Road to being a Single Mom

 

    

                〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

Life is messy. It rarely, if ever, goes as planned. Sometimes, things get to the point where a major change is needed. For your health, sanity, safety, or to heal. I ignored and denied many, many signs, over many years, that pointed me to a path I was loathe to go down. I mean, most people don't get married with the thought that they will some day divorce. Most of us go into our marriages with the hope and expectation that we will remain happily married, raise a family, and celebrate many years together before we pass away from old age.

    That's what I wanted. That's what I hoped for. That's what I dreamed of. I did not dream of ending up in a relationship with someone that seemed to delight in tearing me down, calling me names, routinely push past my boundaries, keep me from sleeping, hold things over my face, shove items down my throat, throw me around by my neck, and more, then turn around and want love and sex like he hadn't just broken me. Most people don't care to believe that any of this happened, many times daily, because he put on a good, no, great, show for others. He painted himself as a smitten, loving, caring, kind, husband. All while the things happening behind closed doors slowly got worse and worse. 

    He had a way of making people believe that he was some incredible, long-suffering, loving spouse, who still loved me deeply even though I was "crazy," "too sensitive," and "emotional." Even after his arrest for domestic violence he somehow managed to convince people that he was the real victim in all of it and that I just needed to forgive him and forget it. I had his minions contacting me to convince me to just move on like it never happened and allow him back in to my life. After all, look how sad he was without me and how sorry he said he was! You know what's really sad though? I eventually caved and gave him another chance.

    Yeah, I believed, or thought I believed, his promises to stop drinking and to never do anything like that again. I believed him when he said things would get better. And they did. For a few months. Then the drinking, and lying about drinking, started again. The constant criticism, the name calling, the keeping me from sleeping, all slowly ramped up again. Then there was the bringing of our child into arguments, and kicking of the animals. It took 3 years after the DV that I thought I would die from, for me to finally walk away for good. 3 years.

    Even through it all, it took me a really long time to realize that it did not matter how much I tried to please him, how understanding I was, how much I changed myself to try to fit into his mold, it would never be enough. Why? Because it wasn't about me. I am in no way saying I am without fault or flaw, I have plenty of both, I am just saying I could have been totally without both, and he still would have found something to criticize,  complain about, call my lazy, fat, ugly, etc. over. When I finally realized that nothing I did, or didn't do, warranted the treatment I received, I finally got the guts to leave.

    During the divorce, he stalked, threatened, begged, trying to get me back. When his efforts did not succeed, he turned to his cronies and once again, became the poor, picked on, baby of a man who loved me despite how evil I was for trying to stay safe and get away from a man that had abused me in many ways for far too many years. They still believe him. I could show them all the proof in the world of his words and actions, but it would make no difference. At this point, I am done trying to convince people that he is not the saint he claims to be, or that I am not the crazy bitch he has made me out to be. People can believe what they choose, and I can walk away in peace knowing I did the right thing.

    We do share custody of our child, so I still have to be cordial and play nice. It isn't always easy, and I cant say that I do it well all the time, but I try for our childs sake. I don't go out of my way to invite him to things, I don't text him unless needed for our child, I try very hard to not respond to hoovering and gaslighting. I fail at times. And my word aren't always the best. For those times, I am sorry and regret allowing him to get to me. 

    I know I am not the only one who has ever been in this position. I know I am not the only person who was ever convinced that they were the sole problem in a relationship. That was convinced that they were worthless, ugly, unlovable, and lucky to have this person "love" them. I am not the only person who ended up so very broken, full of self-doubt, or who lost themselves while trying so hard to please another and be who that person said they wanted and needed. 

    And so, after years of abuse, a lengthy and very costly divorce, I am here, a single mom. Working a full-time+ job, homeschooling, and trying to take care of a precious child the very best I can. The road was horrific, but I know it wasn't any worse than anyone else's. I can only share from my own experience, and that's what I will do. 

    --If you are living in a home where name calling is the norm, where jokes are your expense is the norm, where yanking blankets off you of pulling pillows from under your head in order to not allow you to sleep is the norm, if you are made to feel like you deserve to be mentally, emotionally, or physically abused in any way, know that none of that is ok. You are not alone. There are people that can help you get out. You do not deserve to be mistreated, you are worth much more than that. I urge you to make a safety plan, reach out to people in a position to help, and get out!--